Of Life, In No Uncertain Terms

first of all, yes i did delete the last post and no, you are not suffering from delusions. i am not upto explaining, especially on a public forum, but let's just say that sometimes in life, things don't work our the way you want them to. or even the way you expect them to.

i'm having a pretty hard time right now, and well, i need to deal with it. i'll be fine in a few days i guess(and hope). the only thing that is bothering me is this. call it naivete, but i'm a person who tends to take things at face value. and this is going to sound extremely funny, but i have(or used to have) faith in the essential goodness of people. and i thought that anything else was an exception rather than the norm. guess i was quite wrong. coming to what's bothering me, i've just lost that faith. i've become so extremey skeptical of people.

i've always been a very cynical person; but my cynicism had more to do with circumstances. i always thought that circumstances make people do what they do, but at the end of the day, most people are intrinsically good. or at least, people my age.

also, i thought that most of the times, what you see is what you get. i just can't believe that anymore. in fact(and i feel terrible about this) when people are being nice to me, i keep thinking about how they probably have ulterior motives. and that makes me feel so sick. but i don't know how else to think.

this is because i can't deal with this kind of a situation again. it was awful, and totally unexpected. and i don't think i deserve it. so, i don't know, as a defence mechanism i guess, i've just got to be highly skeptical of people.

i'm not playing the blame game and blaming anybody, because people have extremely valid reasons for doing what they do, and what happened was for the best. i'm really glad things turned out the way they did, and relieved that things ended where they did. i'm honestly glad about what happened. but i can't help thinking, if only i hadn't taken things at face value, none of this would've ever happened. and that thought kills me. and i'm helpless.

anyway, i've tried explaining as best as i could. don't know if that made much sense, or whether it made too much sense and everything is very obvious. and honestly speaking, at this point of time, i'm too tired to care very much. i probably sound terribly melodramatic, and you're probably thinking how i'm making such a big deal of nothing, and that stuff like this happens to everybody. yes i agree, but this was a first for me, and i needed to rant a little bit. also, the whole thing has left me terribly disillusioned, so it'll take time for me to come to terms with that.

i won't be blogging for a while, because i'm just not upto it. might be a few weeks before my next post. try not to miss me too much. lol. only a short hiatus, i promise.