A Rush Of Blood To The Head

feeling majorly fucked up. god help me.

uncanny

took this personality test on the net a couple of days ago. thought it would be like the usual test with some general result which can apply to almost anybody. was pleasantly surprised.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have low extroversion. You are quiet and reserved in most social situations. A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you. You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people. Conscientiousness: You have low conscientiousness. Impulsive and off the wall, you don't take life too seriously. Unfortunately, you sometimes end up regretting your snap decisions. Overall, you tend to lack focus, and it's difficult for you to get important things done. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

they managed to get quite of bit of things right.

other than my 'agreeableness' that is. they screwed that up completely. the bit about being willing to compromise with anybody; that's the complete opposite of what i am. compromising is not a word which can be associated with me.

they got my 'conscientiousness' and 'neuroticism' quite quite accurate. i was pretty majorly impressed. the 'openness to experience' was a bit overdone though i thought. i'm not THAT open to experiences, but yeah, they managed to get the gist right. the "extroversion' again was a little extreme. but again, the basic idea was correct.

so on the whole, a pretty smart test. i would recommend it, for the sole reason that it may turn out to be uncannily accurate.

message fetish??

i have this strange thing about deleting SMSs. i just can't seem to delete them! and i don't mean forwards. i can't bring myself to delete conversations. at present my inbox has precisely 7 forwards. the rest of my 110 message capacity is taken up by conversations. and that too, mostly conversations with 2 people in particular.

let us call one of the persons HS. i don't keep HS's messages for sentimental reasons. the thing is, HS has a really funny way of messaging. i mean, they're SERIOUSLY funny. and arpita does a really cool job of reading them out. lol. and well, i keep HS's SMSs because they cheer me up. keep messaging HS!!!!

let's call the other person BK. somehow, i can't exactly explain why i have kept BK's messages. i mean, presently i'm not too fond of the person. well ok, at one point of time i was inordinately fond of BK. lol. but no, that isn't exactly why i keep the messages. i haven't kept the later messages, the ones sent after and immediately before what i shall refer to as 'the incident'. 'the incident' was, i think, a turning point in our acquaintance. can't call it friendship or something like that coz it never reached there. after 'the incident' things kinda got fucked-up. and after a while, we completely stopped all forms of communication. which is kind of sad, coz we got along extremely well, at least in my opinion. hehe. anyway, i think that's way too much of info. i digress way more than necessary. and also, right now talking about the person is majorly depressing me. so i have lost all interest in completing this entry. but heck, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. lol.

yeah, coming back to the point, BK's messages make me feel kinda happy. because they were extremely nice messages. and some pretty flattering stuff. lol. during the period we got along, we REALLY GOT ALONG, if u know what i mean........

anyway, that's that. hopefully the people i've written about won't check out my blog. coz i'm thinking, maybe i've made things a little too obvious. but heck, i really don't think i care too much. and sometimes, u gotta throw caution to the wind; excuse the melodrama.

ramblings of an empty mind

first of all, a word for satan truimphs. thanks, i think i majorly needed that. refuse to be self-depreciating ever again.

hmm, well college is off for a week. its lovely to have ur hols extended without any prior notice. suddenly, u get to know that u can sleep till eleven for a week longer. aah, bliss. why does sleeping till late, actually the thought of sleeping till late, feel so wonderful? it makes me feel so happy. lol.

thank god diwali is finally here. i somehow love festivals. they make me feel extremely cheerful. and, i hate saying this, chirpy. hehe. the whole concept of festivals makes me all warm and fuzzy. and i'm not really a very warm and fuzzy person most of the time. in fact i'm quite the antithesis of warm and fuzzy.

i seem to have started binge-eating these days. the thing is, i have been getting up EXTREMELY late these days. so there is no way i can eat breakfast. i only have 2 meals during the day. since i'm usually up till late(either on the phone or reading or watching tv) i get MAJOR hunger pangs at around 1:30-2ish. and then i NEED to eat something. end up raiding the fridge. think i'm gonna put on a hell lot of weight if the hols get extended again. coz i don't really eat healthy stuff in the middle of the night. its pepsi, chocolates, pepsi, chips, pepsi, cookies....did i mention pepsi?

ok, this is like a really bad thing to say, very superficial, but i don't wanna get fat! it is like the last thing i would ever want to be. alright, from tomorrow onwards, no sleeping after ten, and eating a proper breakfast and going to sleep by 12:30. am laughing at myself right now coz i actually believed for a moment that i'm gonna start doing that from tomorrow. hehehehehehehe.

feeling slightly sleepy right now so i'm gonna go make myself some coffee(if i sleep now there is no way i'm gonna fall asleep before 4 tonight...given the fact that i got up at 11:30). u go do something more productive than reading my blog.

adios.

mortification

was going through some of my earlier bogs. ang god, a couple of them actually made me cringe. i'm not saying my writing skills are absolutely brilliant or anything but, christ, there is a limit upto which u can write cliched crap. i cannot believe that i had actually posted all that banal shit. ok all this sounds terribly immodest but hell that stuff is positively mortifying. if somebody ever aked me whether i wrote those things i would be majorly ashamed to admit it.

i don't claim to write brilliantly witty or wonderfully insightful stuff. but heck, i at least don't write pretentious shit. and somehow that is what i seem to have done with some of my earleir entries. if u hve gone through most of my blogs, u'll totally get what i'm saying here.

ok, at the cost of sounding extremly vain, i really can't believe i actually wrote those entries. it is just not me to write things like that. wonder what had got into me? what could have made me churn out all that pseudo-intellectual bullshit?

hmm this is getting terribly boring. really shouldn't bore u with my indignant analysis of my own writing talents. but yeah, if this makes u want to read the earlier stuff which i've written, one earnest request; don't judge me by those entries!

hindsight.......

hols hv been good. through all the cribbing and the (pretensions of) depression, they've been good. the prospect of going back to college does not make me too happy. the thing is, i have a theory to test whether u're having fun or not. if time slips by really quickly then hell yes u've been having fun, whether u admit it or not. and if the days seem to last years then ok, u arent exactly living it up. haha. anyway, coming back to the point, the last month has passed by really REALLY quickly. its pretty much been a blur. and a very nice, happy blur. in hindsight of course. lol.

lots of things happened, funny things, sweet things, slightly sad things also. but, in hindsight(uff, that word again. note to self : desperately need to improve writing skills), all those things were fun, and well, happy. even the sad things; in a weird, twisted way. lol.

don't have very high expectations from the coming month. get the awful feeling that it's gonna suck pretty badly. don't know why. maybe i'm wrong. in fact, quite possibly i am wrong. i'm just a little weird about these things.

last few weeks i've also realized how much i love my friends. and how fucking much i need them around. love u guys. i refuse to elaborate on this point because....well, i just do.

a point i'd like to make. some ppl are such bloody morons. they like to screw up life even when things are going perfectly smoothly. i am not hinting at anyone in particular right now, but its the truth. yeah even i do it sometimes(did something like that a couple of weeks back....fuck), but i don't do it as often as other people seem to. grow up people, things don't last long enough for u to sulk. sulking is a complete fucking waste of time. not only does it make u feel really wasted, it serves absolutely no fucking purpose. if u wanna show how pissed u are, scream. it'll do u more good(as in, make u feel better) and get ur point across. sulking HARDLY EVER gets ur point across.

i'm wondering why i digress so much. can't stick to one subject for too long. makes my head spin as much as urs. but its a failing which i have, which u have to bear if u read my blog(i'm being awfully presumptious here). but don't u think its kind of fun?makes ur brain sharper, doesn't it? c'mon admit it. alright enough of pissing u off. i tend to talk crap sometimes, when i run out of stuff to talk about. u would have noticed that, if u've read my earlier blogs(and if u haven't, well what the hell are u bloody waiting for???!!!).

so let me stop pissing u off, and go watch tv.

P.S.-this blog almost didn't get published on time thanks to my procrastinating talents(more on that later, it warrants an entire blog entry). publishing this after college started would have kinda defeated the whole purpose of this entry. a vote of thanks to my boredom and my temporary insomnia.

interesting......

a friend of mine said something very curious about my blog. she said it was extremely depressing. went through my stuff and realized that i tend to write when i'm low. so most of my blogs come out very melancholy and some quite morbid. it doesn't really help me get over me'depression' but it gives me something to do other than brood.

feeling extremely sleepy. was planning to write a longer blog but i can barely keep my eyes open and i wanna publish this blog right now. so let me leave the rest of my ramblings for the next blog and bid u goodbye for now dear reader.

adios!

just one line

a blog of mine is in its draft stage. just a little bit left. but had to update ppl(who ppl i don't really know....not too many people's lives depend on my blog...lol) who kinda read my blog. my depression has pretty much lifted and i'm back to my (almost) normal self....yayyy!

post puja blues

well its hit me. and hard. the post puja blues syndrome. happens to me every year but i get over it pretty quickly coz school starts and u hv way too much of stuff to do and no time to mope around. unfortunately this year its a completely different ball game. college is closed till the 15th and i have way too much of time on my hands. not a very good thing, i'm realizing now.

also, this year's puja has been quite eventful. not eventful in general, but eventful personally. not possible to disclose everything on a public forum but lets just say that i have a lot of thinking to do. also, some people are EXTREMELY weird but still......

anyway, thats way too much of a hint for somebody who has any clue about anything. this year, objectively speaking, the pujas have been excellent. i've had a brilliant time mostly. hung out with some new people, all of them quite interesting. and i mean that in a nice way, mostly. lol. but somehow, in hindsight, i wish i had done some things differently. also i did one extremely mean thing but, ironically i don't wish i had done that any differently. and that makes me feel like a major bitch.

alright enough of the vague crap i'm writing. i have a really bad tendency to do that. keep bullshtting about random vague stuff. bad habit. see there i go again. really have to stop doing it.

i'm feeling really low right now. writing, according to the 'experts', is supposed to be thereupatic. don't feel very 'thereupat-ised' right now. in fact, wrting all this shit is making me feel even worse than usual. but again, i don't want to stop coz then its again back to doing nothing. back to the self pity. this sounds really extreme, and yeah, it is extreme for post puja blues, but that isn't the only thing that's bothering me right now, not in the direct sense at least. to put it in a simpler way, i did something during the pujas that wasn't really a very smart thing to do, in hindsight(why do things become clearer only in hindsight??? fuck!!). i tried to put things right but..... unfortunately i must have screwed up way too much i guess.

and this frustration is the worst. the helplessness of my situation is getting to me. well ok, i could do a lot of things, but my bloody ego keeps on getting in the way.

leaving that aside, c.r.park is actually depressing now. after almost a month of revelry, which reached a peak these last four days, it looks ravaged, and dead. like somebody has sucked the life out of the place. its sad. or maybe i'm being morbid. yeah its probably me who is being macabre.

if ur still reading this, i've probably majorly depressed u. so let me stop doing that, and let me go watch friends. yeah i know even that is gonna depress me majorly, with its sickly sweet camaderie(i don't really mean that....i adore friends...lol), but heck, i gotta do something.